Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

And so it goes on. This internal ‘every few months’ song and dance my gut plays on me. I will be as ‘ungraphic’ as possible and still try to get my point across.

I have irritable bowel syndrome. There, I said it. It is embarassing. Now, bear in mind, I have had this for years; way before my RNY. However, many people that are post RNY have more trouble with it, especially constipation because we eat such small amounts we have a hard time getting all our fiber in. If I stay on the tightrope (putting fiber powder in my coffee and eating something high in fiber in the morning), everything stays on track. However  if I ‘fall off the tightrope’ it gets bad, very bad.  And each day gets worse and worse and the pain starts and the appetite goes and the weight starts going down.  Eight days ago I saw my gynechologist for an unrelated issue. By Wednesday I had dropped 7 lbs from that appointment. 7 lbs in 5 days. I was down to 131 lbs. I hate doing this as I have done it before (where do I consider it dangerous and call for guidance?) and at the pleading of my husband once again called my surgeon’s office. They got me in the next day to actually see the big kahuna himself, my surgeon.

I weighed in at 133 on their scale (fully clothed and my morning coffee drank but still all involved; the nutritionist, nurse practioner (who is just the sweetest person on earth), and yes Dr. Lucktong were all in agreement, my weight was way too low. Bear in mind, I am tall….. 5 ft 8 in tall with a large bone structure; all my health care providers have assessed me and concur I am large framed.   My NP and Dr Lucktong were running numbers as high as 30 lbs higher than what I was and still would be considered healthy. They really want me up around 150lbs. All my Dr’s concur 150 to even 160 lbs is a perfect weight for me. All involved (not to mention co-workers, family, friends, etc etc etc) stating I look ‘too thin’ urging me to ‘get some weight back on’. So on days like yesterday and today when I am, yes….. my lowest ever adult weight…. ever 130 lbs (for my Northern Ireland family this would be 9 stone 4 ounces), there is this part of me that is like “WOW!!!!!!!” 🙂 It is so wrong, I know! So messed up! My BMI is in the 19’s now maybe barely 20. At 133 at Dr. Lucktong’s he was saying barely 20 and for my age and bone structure it is just too low.

So, the game plan…… 3 meals a day with snacks. Healthy foods, of course. However, they said not to eat ‘diet foods’ anymore. When you lose weight it is by portion control/ calorie control. I have the portion control down pat… it ‘ain’t’ going nowhere. My pouch is here to stay, believe me! Once in a while I am surprised by how much I can eat but for the most part, my pouch stops me very quickly. They want me to eat healthy snacks with some healthy calories such as nuts, etc. But mostly they want me to get my body image straight in my head. My counsler Beth who is as close to walking on water as any person I know; well we are working on this.

I still see a ‘fat girl’ in the mirror. I know logically I am not. However, when you spend most of your life fighting your weight, it is hard to just ‘flip the switch’.  I am not anorexic because I do eat! But I have the frame of mind, or so I have been told. I just don’t see what others do. And when you ask male friends/ colleagues, etc to be honest from a male perspective and they all say I am too thin, well as Jimi my NP said, “Kelli, you need to start listening to what people are telling you.” The saddest thing is, since I have been 130 lbs, I just once….just ONCE…. wanted to see it , then turn and go back up. Just once in my adult life I wanted to see that scale read 129. I know, I know…… no rhyme; no reason; stupid.  As it stands now, at 5 ft 8 in tall, I only outweigh Angelina Jolie by 10 lbs and Reese Witherspoon by 5 lbs. Yet I still see a fat girl in the mirror.  

With my counslor Beth, family, friends and most important, my Lord and Savior, I know I will find the right balance with this. If I could recommend one thing to anyone who is having or has had weight loss surgery; really come to terms with your body image. Try to see yourself as others see you. This surgery is for health. The ‘looks’ part is a great fringe benefit, but when the chips are down, I went from having metabolic syndrome to having a ‘lower than average risk for coronary heart disease’. With the exception of my thyroid (hashi’s), every number reversed and then some and that is what this surgery is about.

Here are pictures taken at my ‘official lowest’